A Mess of Emotions!

As we await for our upcoming approval, I find myself having all kinds of mixed feelings.

The reality of becomming a parent is freaking me out a little. I mean, I love children, I always have. I know that God has set this path of adoption in front of us, but the reality of bringing home a baby makes me a tee bit nervous.

It's weird, because I have been desiring it for so long, and now it is becomming more real. Each step gets us closer to the day we bring our child home. And I have so many emotions already about that, I can't even imagine what it will truly be like.

It's sad to me that during our overwhelming joy, someone else will be overwhelmed by grief at the loss of their child.

I'm scared that the infant will have a hard time adjusting, being taken away from everything he/she has known for the last nine months.

I sometimes get mad that we live in a fallen world where mothers have to give up their babies and people have to deal with infertility.

I know that our lives will forever be changed, and while that is exciting, I'm a little sad at the closing of this era.

As much as this child will be ours, I have to deal with the fact that I did not give birth to him/her and that means his path will be different. He will not be able to do the science experiment in middle school where he goes home to look at his mom and dad's earlobes to see if they are attached or not and then look at his to see which genetic trait he got.

And although all of this is different than "normal", I still rejoice that God chose us to go down this path. It's hard and I know it will get harder. But I know that God will do great things in this child's life. In His providence he led mine and Jamie's hearts and lives together knowing that we would fully be open to welcome all sorts of children into our family (and dogs). In His providence he will lead us to the baby for our family. And although sometimes it's very difficult to know how to pray for this situation (praying for our future child ultimately means the circumstance of an unwanted pregnancy and painful relinquishment), I know that God in his divine providence has worked all the details out long before I took my first breath.

When my birth mom gave me up for adoption, God knew that one day I would be going through the process to add a baby to my family through the same avenue. That thought is just amazing.

So although, I do have so many different emotions, I can rest in the fact that God has his hand over every detail. He will give us the wisdom to handle what has been given to us at the time we need the wisdom (and not before!). I just pray that he keeps reminding me of that!

Surrender

I don't have any insight tonight. No profound truth that I've recently realized. I don't have a funny story or an animal resue to speak of. I don't have anything sarcastic to say. I am simply here.

I am breathing, I am resting, and I feel more at peace tonight than I have felt in a long time. I am surrendered.

It seems funny to me to say that I am surrendered. That always seems like something that I am trying to attain and yet never achieving. Almost like it's prideful to actually say it. If that makes any sense what so ever.

I left work this evening at 5:00 and listened to my voice mail. Jamie had called me with the news that our water test came back clear. Our water has been healed thanks to the Culligan man.
When I heard the message, I simply smiled and told God thank you and sat in silence for the next several minutes, just resting in His presence.

You see, I'm a little bit of an emotional roller coaster of a person. My emotions can swing back and forth really in a matter of minutes. When I have good news, I call lots of people and when I am a crying mess I also call lots of people. My life is an open book. But tonight, while I was driving home in the silence of my car, I simply grinned and thanked God.

This is a big thing for me because in doing those two things (smiling and saying thanks) I was aknowledging that He is the one whose hand is over this whole adoption process. Not that I didn't know that before, but practically speaking, there is so much paperwork, so much figuring stuff out, so much bacteria to get rid of in my water! It's easy for me to feel completely competent. To handle things and check them off my tidy little to do list. And then when they get completed to move to the next thing, thinking I handled it well. When the truth of it is, if I am surrendered and I find out bacteria is in my water, I should simply accept it and know beyond a doubt that this is also from God as much as all the good stuff. But, on the contrary, I kick and stomp my feet and wonder why He has put another burden on us.

And I know this all seems silly now, because we got good results today. But the thing is, I acknowledged Him immediatly. This is not something I regularly do. I realized that it had nothing to do with filtration systems, or bleach, or stupid total coliform. That this whole thing has just been one more circumstance that He has used to teach me to be simple in my thinking. To not analyze everything. To not be overly emotional. To simply say thank you.

To be still and know that He is God.

And that is what I am experiencing. I am surrendered tonight. I don't know what the next step will bring, but I know that my God will direct my future the same way He has my past. I don't know why I go through all the steps I do because I always end up in the same place.....resting and knowing that He will not leave my side.

What we've been up to

I realize that it's been a ridiculously long time since I have written, and I do apologize for that. I know that it's been hard to get through the week. I am deeply sorry.

There has been a lot of action on the Autry fronteir. In the last two weeks, I've gotten a new job, we've moved Loop De Lou offices, and Jamie has fully installed our pipes for our filtration system which is being installed tomorrow. So, we're moving right along towards parenthood as it would seem. Who new that installing pipe was a prerequisite for being a parent? We didn't learn that in health class.

Anyway, good thing I have a husband who can do anything. He wasn't happy about crawling under our house in the middle of summer (he hates spiders), but it's for a kid.....so he didn't really have a choice.

Also, today we found a dog on the side of the road and brought her home. We are such suckers for pitiful animals. I think they can smell the weakness and they seek us out. She is unbelievably adorable though. We named her Bonnie. We're hoping she sticks around. We trying to give her lots of food so she'll know just how weak we really are.

As if two dogs weren't enough. One day we hope the amount of children we have could equal the amount of canines. That way each dog gets a kid to take care of.

Great News!

Well, it might not seem like that big of a deal, but we're pretty excited about it! We found out that we DON'T have to build a shed right now!! The filtration system we picked out was way smaller than what we thought. So it can go underneath our house in the crawl space. This obviously will save us quit a bit of money!!

I just wanted to give an update, "Project Build a Shed" has been cancelled!

Filtration Schmiltration

We met with a water filtration specialist last week. He worked with us for three short hours to let us know what kind of system we needed.

He held the key to unlock all the knowledge to the wide world of water filtration (WWWF) (sort of like WWF, except without all the wrestling) (and without all the men in spandex) (but pretty much with the same amount of water).

He presented us with three types of systems. We, of course, chose the cheapest, because call me crazy, but $3500 for clean water just seems a little excessive. Our poor kid would never be able to go to college. "Sorry honey, in order to bring you home, we had to spend your college fund on water filtration."

Oh, I kid. There will never be a college fund.Mamma likes shoes too much for that.

Anyway, we also found out that in order to install said filtration system, we needed a dry place to keep it. So the rain wouldn't fry it. That would not be good in the WWWF. Especially since they like to make them with gold. Or so it seems.

So we also have to buy a shed. But since my husband can make stuff, we have chosen to build one. Project Build a Shed starts on Saturday.(sort of like Project Runway, except without all the models). Check you local listings.

It's a good thing though we're having to do this before the kid comes. Now we have a place to send him when he's bad.

Or maybe not. I feel like our social worker might frown on that.

After the shed is built and filtration system is installed, we did find out that the company we are using will test our water for us for free. So that's a nice little bonus. They say it's a 100% guarantee that it will cleanse our water of all bacteria. It's a good thing, because even if it was 99.9%, I'm pretty sure, for us, it wouldn't work. We would be that .0000001% (or whatever....I'm not good at Math).

So it looks like we are well (pun intended) on our way to bacteria free water. And adoption approval. And then maybe one day, a baby.

Only in the South

I have been thinking recently about Southern life. I have compiled a list. Because I love lists. And because sometimes it's hard to make paragraphs out of randomness.

Southern things I don't do:

1. go to the tanning bed (anymore)

2. color my hair (well, not recently anyway)

3. wear big hats

4. wear broaches

5. switch purses for seasons

6. feel the need to match

7. make white beans

8. wear big jewelry

9. say "darlin'"

10. watch Nascar

Southern things I do:

1. fry things

2. fish

3.watch college football religiously

4. cook cornbread

5. feel like food and comfort go hand in hand

6. say "bless her heart"

7. say "ya'll"

8. Use lots of butter

9. have sweet tea in my fridge at all times

10. look out my back window and see this:

This is Jamie's mom and grandma using the paddle boat in our pond. I cracked up laughing when I saw this. Two grandma's, coated in their tanning oil, paddling around the pond, trying to get some exercise. I mean, this is just something you don't see up North. I'm certain of it.

Father's Day

So yesterday was Father's Day. And I don't know why Father's Day is so hard.

Two years ago on Father's Day, we were in the midst of infertility. I had started charting (don't worry....I won't go into detail about that!), and we were almost at the 2 year point of trying to conceive. We knew that the probability of there being a problem was high.

I was several days late with my monthly friend and my hopes were high. I knew we had timed things right. I was praying earnestly that maybe it worked. It didn't. And my monthly friend came with a vengence Father's Day morning. I layed in the bed and was a blubbering mess.

I should have taken that as a sign and just stayed at home in bed. But we couldn't because our niece was getting dedicated that Sunday and we needed, and wanted to be there for that. At our church they have baby dedication once a year on Father's Day.

Lucky us.

That year they also showed a slide show of all the children in the church with Andrew Peterson's song "Family Man" playing in the background. It was sweet, but I felt like it was a cruel joke. I couldn't hold it together. And I completely lost it when I looked over and saw Jamie wiping tears from his eyes. I was chewing gum and started crying so hard that I sucked it down my throat.

Precious memories. How they linger.

Thank the Lord we are in a much different place now. Although our circumstances haven't changed, God has really changed our hearts. We are indebted to His grace. We are in awe of His faithfullness.

But yesterday was another Father's Day, and another baby dedication. And I found myself crying again. Only silently this time, not hyperventalating and sucking gum down my throat. The truth is that it does make me sad. I can envision the father Jamie will be and it hurts that it is difficult. I see it in my mind, him holding an infant and looking at that child with awe. I know the kind of daddy he will be and yesterday was a painful reminder that our path is different.

Different is ok. Different is actually good because our God ordained it to be that way. But different sometimes stings.

As I sat in church, silently praying that I wouldn't fall a part, God spoke to me that I have MUCH reason to celebrate Father's Day. He is the ultimate Father. He is there to comfort us when we are crying so hard we suck gum down our throat. He is there to hold us when all our plans fall apart and tell us that His plans are best. He is there to correct us when we think we can control things. He is there to welcome us back when we realize we can't. He is there to listen when we have too many words of frustration. He is there to soothe us when all we can do is tell Him it hurts. He is good. He holds our hands as we sit silently crying on Father's Day. And he will share in our joy as we one day hold our sweet child.