Here I Am....

So, I'm not sure if anyone is still reading this or not. I know it's been a ridiculously long time since I have posted. And I know that if any of you have been following this blog for a time, I sort of just left you hanging at the climax of this whole adoption journey. But the truth is that it has taken me quit some time to process through everything.

Kaplan Thomas Autry was born on December 23rd, 2008. He weighed in at 7 lbs and 7 ounces and was 18 1/2 inches long.

We got the call Monday afternoon (after our we discovered our fridge had gone out and we had to go buy a new one) that Kaplan's birth mom (whom I will refer to as A. from now on) was going to be induced the following morning at 6 a.m. Amazingly enough, I wasn't running around the house screaming in excitement. Not that I thought I would, but sometimes I do have a flare for dramatics. Actually, I just took down some last minute notes and did some last minute preparations. Most of which included getting all of our food back into our new fridge.

Sleep also came pretty easily that night. I feel this was a gift, because now....well....sleep doesn't come so easily. We woke up the next morning at 5:30. We didn't want to get to the hospital right when A. was getting there. We wanted her to have some time and not feel as though we were over excited or feel that we were just interested in her baby. It also happened that it was icing that morning and I got my monthly visitor. I mean, really we didn't expect anything less. We are the Autry's.

We arrived at the hospital and we just didn't know what to expect. There was a big part of me that was just expecting this whole experience to be gut wrenching and horrible. While a life was being brought into the world, a mother was also giving up her child. How can that be a pleasant experience? How could we not feel like we were baby snatchers? I must say now though, that I really am glad I had bad expectations. That may sound harsh or like I'm a negative person, but the hospital experience was so smooth and peaceful and it so far outweighed my expectations.

We went in to see A as soon as we arrived. She was doing good and we sat with her for a few hours and just got to know her even more. That time to me is priceless. It's a legacy that we will be able to pass down to Kaplan. She is not just a face or a fictional person we will tell him about. We got to know her heart, her likes and dislikes and her sense of humor (which is very similar to ours and we think pretty fantastic).

Most of that day was spent in the waiting room. I was a bundle of nerves all day. I had a lulling ache in my stomach that just wouldn't go away. Jamie and I tried to play cards or watch the waiting room television, but we just couldn't focus on much of anything.

We went back in to see A. later in the afternoon and she was in much more pain. She was grimacing and we could tell she didn't need a lot of visitors. We told her she could reach us in the waiting room. We really wanted her to be as comfortable as she possibly could. As we were leaving her room the guy who gives the big nice shot (because I can't spell the word that he actually is) was coming in to hopefully relieve some of her pain. We went back in the waiting room and about 10 minutes later A's mom came out and said she was fully dialated. About five minutes after that the waiting room phone rang and Jamie answered it. A said "he's here! do you guys want to come back and meet him". Jamie couldn't believe it was her because she sounded so calm. He asked "who is this?". Seriously. That is my husband.

We immediately went back. I can't quit describe to you what was going on with me during all of this. It was so different than how I played it out in my mind. I thought I would be all weepy and thinking of this sweet little baby who would be placed in my arms. But that is not how it was at all. We were first thinking of A and how she was doing. We wanted things to be as easy as possible for her. While we were elated to see and hold Kaplan, we wanted her to know that we loved her and we wanted her to be ok.

There really wasn't that "moment" where we held him for the first time and knew this was our child. Well, not in the hospital. I don't know if it's maternal instinct or what, but all I knew is that this baby was now my responsibility and I didn't quite know what to do, but I wanted to be the one to figure it out.

Thankfully the hospital was generous enough to give us our own room and they put A. in the room next to us. They came in and gave me a bracelet so I could get our little man out of the nursery. I called the nursery and they told me I had to wait an hour. How awful! I know they need to do all their business, but that was very hard! By that time A was in her room and we had been communicating with her. She asked if when we got him from the nursery if we could bring him in to her. Of course we could. We wanted her to be the one calling the shots. We felt this would ease her transition. And like I said, we just wanted everything to be as smooth as possible for her. But I have to admit, this was a little hard for me. I had held Kaplan in the delivery room and that was all. I couldn't wait to get my hands on him and look him all over. I wanted to know if he had any birthmarks or a crooked toe. I needed to hold him and stare at him away from everything and everyone else. But, that couldn't happen at that time.

We got him from the nursery and took him into see A. What a sweet moment. He looks just like her. You could feel the love she had for him oozing out into the room. She knew exactly what to do as she fed him and changed him and cuddled him up. We sat and talked with her for a few hours it seemed like. We wanted her to have some time alone with Kaplan, so a little before 11:00 that night we went back to our room. I have to tell you that was the hardest thing to do. I broke down once we got in the room. Jamie just stood and looked at me, feeling so helpless. I told him I just couldn't handle any more people. I knew everyone was so excited to see this precious angel we had been praying for for the past several years, but I needed to be with my son alone. I so desired for us to be a family and sit all cuddled up in our little room. But the truth of it was, he wasn't our son yet. He was A's. And as difficult as it was to share him in the hospital, we knew she needed to spend as much time as she could with him.

A little later A. called us and said we could come and get him. We got to bring him back into the room with us and finally there we were. All three of us. A family. We just held him and stared at him. I unswaddled him and looked him all over. I fixed his bottle and fed him. It was amazing.

This is basically how our time at the hospital was spent. Passing little Kaplan back and forth. How lucky for him to have so many people who love him and care for him and who are looking out for his best interests.

The day we were to go home, Christmas Day, A. had him in her room for a little while in the morning. I had been dreading actually leaving, just knowing how difficult it would be for her. I can't quit put into words how it all felt. There was a huge part of me who wanted to bundle Kaplan up, turn around and run as far away as I could, but then there was a part of me that wanted to hand him to her and ask her how we could help her. While we were elated to be chosen to be the parents of this amazing child, we also could see the hurt and sadness in A.'s eyes.

She came into our room and handed him to us. She said "We had a talk this morning". I'll never know the sweet things she whispered to him, but I am so thankful she took the time to do that. I think it will help her in the coming months and years. It was time for her to leave. We stood and cried and hugged, but it wasn't devastating. It was sad, but peaceful. She knew why she had to give him up and she felt at peace with her decision.

It was Christmas Day, and we got to bring our son home. It was such a special day. Visitors didn't start coming until the next day, so on Christmas it was just us. It was so sweet to sit on the couch as a family of three and do something as simple as watch television.

Looking back on those days now, everything seems like such a blur. We were sleep deprived and running on adrenaline. The days since, at home, have been so wonderful. Hard at times, but wonderful.

I guess it was the third day we were home and I got up to feed Kaplan in the middle of the night. I was holding him and feeding him and I knew at that moment that we were meant to be together. He was looking up at me and grasping my finger and all I could do was weep. This is the child God had picked for our family. When we were laboring in prayer for a biological child, God said no. He had other plans for us. He knew that different DNA was needed to make up our first child, and that it wasn't ours. He has had us in the palm of his hand since the beginning. He was listening the first time Jamie and I said "let's start a family". And I can't help but think he was smiling as we sat in that hospital room looking at this sweet little boy.

Most days when I stare at Kaplan, I can't help but cry. These times are precious for me. I'm not usually a crying type person, but the other day, I was washing bottles and crying. I just can't believe we are here. It's still surreal that we have a child. It's a heavy responsibility that we do not take lightly. We can't wait to watch him grow and see what wonderful things the Lord has planned for his sweet little life. Well.....I can wait....he's already growing too fast!

I Blame It On My Husband

It's totally Jamie's fault for my lack in blogging lately. Because he is seemingly perfect, I feel I must find something to place blame on him for. And I choose blogging absence.

He has been gone for about four weeks and he carries with him my outlet to the world wide web. Otherwise known as a computer. So my access to the internet has been slim. Almost non existent at times. And while I did experience some slight eye twitching the first few weeks, I actually welcomed the not so self imposed computer fast the last few weeks. The extra time allowed me to get caught up on sewing, house cleaning, and studying of fine literature. Or caught up on all my DVR shows. I'll let you choose which one is truthful. I know, I know you think I'm an expert seamstress....

So, needless to say, it's still Jamie's fault.

There has been so much that has happened in the last month that I hardley know where to start. So I'll just blurt it all out. It's sure to be poetic. Or a list:

1. We met the mother who chose us (can anyone say Awesome?!)
2. We saw pictures of the baby ( double Awesome)
3. It's a BOY! (triple Awesome......ok, you get it)
4. He's coming earlier than we thought
5. I'm freaking out just a little
6. But only because I'm so stinkin excited
7. I can't quit buying baby clothes
8. It's a problem
9. No, really I'm addicted to the baby section
10. And my nursery still isn't finished

So there ya go. Not much at all.

First let me tell you that, this adoption thing.....well it just continues to surprise me. The minute I want to yell to the world that "Our baby is coming!" (much like Paul Revier) I also want to tuck it all away and not share so many details. I know it's weird. But the more I think about it, the more I want it to be his story to share. Surprise #1. I really never saw that coming.

Surprise #2. We had such a connection with the mother. Not that it was a huge surprise, but man....it was pretty awesome. (Last time I'll use that word....promise). She is amazing. She is now the last person I think about when I go to bed at night and the first person on my mind each morning. As cliche as that sounds, it is totally true. And meeting her made me realize how hard it will be to walk out of the hospital with the baby she carried and birthed and know how heart wrenching it will be for her. But this too is something we know God is in control of.

We are so very excited to be preparing for a baby. And I'm not even telling a lie when I tell you he will be here in five weeks. HELLLOOOO!!!! I said five weeks! So the lists at my house? Well you know they are a plentiful. Not to mention a few little itty bitty holidays coming up. Oh, you know Thanksgiving and Christmas. You ever heard of them?

But I'm not too worried. Baby trumps all preparations in my book. So if you are reading this and you normally get a Christmas gift from the Autry's, I hate to break it to you that your all time favorite gift of the holiday season will have to pass this year. But I would like to give a shout out that we are still open and available to be on the receiving end of those presents. I'm just saying.....

We would like a new television. It's for the baby.

Guess what we're getting this year for Christmas?

So, it looks like we are going to have a Christmas baby! We got the call last Thursday night that we have been chosen by a mother who is due December 22nd.

In 81 days we will be parents. We're just a little bit excited to say the least.

I was sitting at home by myself last Thursday reading the latest Christianity Today magazine. (I'm throwing that in so you think I'm all holy). Jamie was still at work in Memphis, so I had some time to myself to read. Which is always nice. Can I get an Amen?

Anyway, it was about 8:30 and the phone rang and it was our social worker. My first thought was that she was calling about a question I had emailed her the day before. But that is not why she was calling. She said she had some news and I held my breath. She said "You've been chosen" and all I could say was "Are you serious?". Like she would call someone and say that and then say....oh, just joking. But it's all I could say. And I said it over and over again. Finally, she started telling me all the information and she paused mid-sentence and said "You may want to write all this down." I said "Oh, good thinking". I was actually surprisingly calm though on the phone. It wasn't until I hung up that I was screaming and crying. Actually it was more like wailing.

I couldn't believe it. I'm still, a week later, in shock about the whole thing.

I called Jamie after I could finally make words come out of my mouth. Of course, he did not answer his phone. So I did what any good wife does. I called him right back. He answered the second time. I could barely speak through all the sobbing and he thought something terrible had happened. All I could say was "WE'VE BEEN CHOSEN!" and all he could say was "Are you serious?". Not sure why we both think people would play evil jokes on us.

We are both so overjoyed. The mother wants to meet us and I am so excited about that. Now we have an actual mother that we are praying for. I haven't even met her yet and I can't even explain the feelings I have toward her. It's unlike anything I've experienced before. It made this whole thing a lot more real now that there are actual people involved. The reality of her situation makes my heart ache for her. I choose not to go into details on this blog because everything I know is her story. It is her life. It is not mine to share. But we are praying for her during this sure to be difficult time.

It's so important for people to understand why we are adopting. While it is in fact true that we desire a child, we chose adoption because we believe in finding Christian homes for children who might not otherwise have a family. Adoption was not created to give babies to infertile couples. It is a way to provide loving homes for children of all ages, races, and backgrounds whose biological parents realize they can't provide for them. It comes at great cost to those parents. And we do not take that responsibility lightly.

We are greatly blessed that she deems us worthy of the task and we can't wait to welcome baby Autry home.

This is My 100th Post!

I can't believe I've stuck with this blog that long. I'm a little bit of a "throw yourself all into something and then quit a few weeks later" kind of person. As much as I like to think I'm not like that, it is totally true.

For example, when Jamie and I started dating, he played golf a lot. In my mind I thought "Golf can't be that hard, it's just a stick and a ball". "I'm sure I could do that". So, I started going to some driving ranges and thinking that I am going to learn how to play.

(As a side note, I should also mention that I have a sort of warped perception of my athletic abilities in that I think I have them. I played on a church softball team several years ago and was terrible, but I'm so competitive that it didn't seem to cross my mind that I needed to be good before I was talking trash.)

So the golfing begins. And then it ends about 2 weeks later when I realize the amount of work it would take to actually ever make it onto the course.

Last year, I decided I wanted to learn how to sew. Lucky for me, my friend Hannah sews and I thought she could teach me. I went for a few lessons and made an apron. It did turn out very cute but it did in fact take me about a month to make. But for that month.....I was totally into sewing. I purchased different materials, looked up patterns on the internet, bought one of those tomato pin cushions and everything. But then after the apron project, I moved on to the next activity. But still to this day in my mind I am 100% convinced that if I had a sewing machine, I would be a great seamstress.

Two months ago I decided that I needed to get in shape. So I committed to training for a 5K. I researched to find a race several months away, looked up training programs, and even bought new tennis shoes. That lasted about a month as well. All the running messed up my evening routine of watching television. And let's just be honest, Jon and Kate Gosselin have to have people watching their show...I mean they have eight kids, how else can they get money? I like to think of myself as being a contributor to the greater good of the entertainment society. The employees at Direct TV do have to feed their families after all and they don't need my exercising taking food off their kids plates.

I also have a plastic container full of paints and brushes, a closet with canvases, and two unfinished paintings.

And the funny thing about all of this is that if you were to ask me, I wouldn't have a problem telling you that I was good at all of these things. "Marcie, do you paint?" "Why, yes I do. I also sew, play golf, run, bake, have an abounding knowledge of useless medical information, and decorate".

I've never really struggled with self-esteem obviously.

So, to make it to my 100th post is a feat. This blogging thing has actually stuck around for awhile. There are few things that do. Lucky for you readers, this is one of them (see there is that not struggling with self-esteem thing again).

At least our child will be exposed to many different things right?

The Tie that Binds

Today we had an adoption training class all day in Memphis. If I'm honest, I wasn't really looking forward to sitting in a class all day on a Saturday. But it turned out to be a wonderful day.

We learned a lot about talking to our children about adoption and different issues that can come up. It was very informative and very educational. But, that is not what I took away from today.

Every person that talked to us today had their own adoption story to tell. Whether they were teaching us about newborn care or fetal alcohol syndrome, it all related to them because they were adoptive parents who had been there. They got it.

Every person sitting in the classroom was traveling down the same road we are, except different circumstances had led them there.

Each of us was connected by this thing called adoption. And it made me think that this is exactly how the body of Christ is. Although we are all traveling down different roads, we all struggle with different things, we are all blessed in different ways, we may all live scattered across this globe, we are connected by the blood of Jesus. So really all Christians are also connected by adoption because we are all heirs to His throne.

And as corny as this may sound, it really is a beautiful thing.

I've just been thinking about the whole bigger picture of adoption and I really can't shake the feeling that I'm a part of something that is so much bigger than myself. A few people have told us that they admire us or are proud of us for adopting. Which I think is sort of silly really. Mostly we are adopting because we desire a baby. It's not some heroic feat. We are being obedient to a call God placed on our lives. And mostly I have gone about it kicking and screaming that it wasn't easier. But to sit there today and see so many adoption stories come full circle was a little overwhelming.

They were all, every single one, amazing stories of God's abounding faithfullness. And at that moment I felt so unbelievably unworthy to be chosen to be a part of something like this.

The truth of it is, the waiting is hard. But you know what? I know that what God has in store for us is going to be so worth it all.

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed." Habakkuk 2:3

Week 1 of Waiting

I thought that after we got our approval, there would be a big burden lifted off of us. No more paperwork, no more water testing, we would be approved and waiting to be picked. I thought that would be easy after all the ordeals we had been through the past several months.

But of course, I was wrong!

Now, all we can do is wait and pray. There is no goal that we are actually "working" towards. We are just simply to wait to be chosen. And I think about it all day.

I have walked through the baby section in every store I've been in this week. I have trouble going to sleep now. I have painted the babies room and put together the crib. I have been searching online for a cute, green glider/rocker. I have sat in the floor of the nursery about 15 times. And I have prayed quit unceasingly for our future baby.

So, the waiting......well not so easy. It's quit consuming.

In adoption, there are so many things that are unknown. This makes the planning quit difficult, but at the exact same time it is exciting. While I don't get to experience a positive pregnancy test (which, let's face it, is just a stick with pee on it) or nine months of being pregnant, I do get to experience this waiting (without gaining weight....hopefully) and I will get to experience a phone call to say we have been chosen. And I will get to witness first hand one of the great mysteries of heaven; the unconditional loving of a child that was not born of us, but placed in our hearts. And while this may seem different to some, it seems very natural to us.

To say we are excited would be the understatement of the year. We are also anxious, nervous and scared. But I have to think that this is how all expecting parents feel. And we are in fact expecting parents.

So, week one down. Who knows how many more to go!

Excuse me for my bloggy absence

I know I haven't been around. And I know that most of you are probably tired of reading how hot I am. Actually the weather hasn't been that bad the past few weeks, but I was really hot before. Obviously. Either that, or I was trying to post anything just to keep my blog account open. Not that they shut them down or anything, but it has been quit awhile.

So the biggest news is that WE ARE APPROVED!!!!!!!! Yay!! We got a call Thursday night from our social worker and she let us know that everything looks good and that we are all official. Whoo Hoo!! We haven't signed our contract yet, but that should be coming this week. They are showing our profile though and that is very exciting!!

In other Autry news, two of my dogs escaped and I had to pick them up in the rain on the main highway. I actually had to run down the median in my high heels. Then I had to lift both of them up and put them in the back of my car. They both weigh about 175 pounds. Ok. So that might be a lie. But it felt like it.

Also, I have been working. A Lot. Which is the reason for the lax in my bloggity life. But I figure unless you people start paying me to write, I guess it's more important for me to be out in corporate America. My cell phone provider actually prefers to get paid after all.

And finally, the Olympics. We were a little bit addicted. And in the middle of the Olympics we got a DVR. And I have to argue that this is the best invention of my lifetime. And I realize that I am only 27, but I'm pretty sure nothing will ever compare. Unless we figure out how to actually grow money on trees. Or an automatic eye brow plucker. That would be nice.

I said finally, but really the last thing is that we have started decorating our nursery. And I cried a little. Finally, after four years, we get to start a nursery. And I totally know it could take us a long time to get chosen, which I figure could play into my decorating scheme seeing as I only have a crib. I have built the perfect nursery in my mind, but the problem is that most of the things I see in there are not even in existence. I am actually sitting in the nursery at this very moment. And I love it. And I am so excited!

Hot?

Is anyone else hot or is it just me? (and of course by hot I mean temperature wise)

A Mess of Emotions!

As we await for our upcoming approval, I find myself having all kinds of mixed feelings.

The reality of becomming a parent is freaking me out a little. I mean, I love children, I always have. I know that God has set this path of adoption in front of us, but the reality of bringing home a baby makes me a tee bit nervous.

It's weird, because I have been desiring it for so long, and now it is becomming more real. Each step gets us closer to the day we bring our child home. And I have so many emotions already about that, I can't even imagine what it will truly be like.

It's sad to me that during our overwhelming joy, someone else will be overwhelmed by grief at the loss of their child.

I'm scared that the infant will have a hard time adjusting, being taken away from everything he/she has known for the last nine months.

I sometimes get mad that we live in a fallen world where mothers have to give up their babies and people have to deal with infertility.

I know that our lives will forever be changed, and while that is exciting, I'm a little sad at the closing of this era.

As much as this child will be ours, I have to deal with the fact that I did not give birth to him/her and that means his path will be different. He will not be able to do the science experiment in middle school where he goes home to look at his mom and dad's earlobes to see if they are attached or not and then look at his to see which genetic trait he got.

And although all of this is different than "normal", I still rejoice that God chose us to go down this path. It's hard and I know it will get harder. But I know that God will do great things in this child's life. In His providence he led mine and Jamie's hearts and lives together knowing that we would fully be open to welcome all sorts of children into our family (and dogs). In His providence he will lead us to the baby for our family. And although sometimes it's very difficult to know how to pray for this situation (praying for our future child ultimately means the circumstance of an unwanted pregnancy and painful relinquishment), I know that God in his divine providence has worked all the details out long before I took my first breath.

When my birth mom gave me up for adoption, God knew that one day I would be going through the process to add a baby to my family through the same avenue. That thought is just amazing.

So although, I do have so many different emotions, I can rest in the fact that God has his hand over every detail. He will give us the wisdom to handle what has been given to us at the time we need the wisdom (and not before!). I just pray that he keeps reminding me of that!

Surrender

I don't have any insight tonight. No profound truth that I've recently realized. I don't have a funny story or an animal resue to speak of. I don't have anything sarcastic to say. I am simply here.

I am breathing, I am resting, and I feel more at peace tonight than I have felt in a long time. I am surrendered.

It seems funny to me to say that I am surrendered. That always seems like something that I am trying to attain and yet never achieving. Almost like it's prideful to actually say it. If that makes any sense what so ever.

I left work this evening at 5:00 and listened to my voice mail. Jamie had called me with the news that our water test came back clear. Our water has been healed thanks to the Culligan man.
When I heard the message, I simply smiled and told God thank you and sat in silence for the next several minutes, just resting in His presence.

You see, I'm a little bit of an emotional roller coaster of a person. My emotions can swing back and forth really in a matter of minutes. When I have good news, I call lots of people and when I am a crying mess I also call lots of people. My life is an open book. But tonight, while I was driving home in the silence of my car, I simply grinned and thanked God.

This is a big thing for me because in doing those two things (smiling and saying thanks) I was aknowledging that He is the one whose hand is over this whole adoption process. Not that I didn't know that before, but practically speaking, there is so much paperwork, so much figuring stuff out, so much bacteria to get rid of in my water! It's easy for me to feel completely competent. To handle things and check them off my tidy little to do list. And then when they get completed to move to the next thing, thinking I handled it well. When the truth of it is, if I am surrendered and I find out bacteria is in my water, I should simply accept it and know beyond a doubt that this is also from God as much as all the good stuff. But, on the contrary, I kick and stomp my feet and wonder why He has put another burden on us.

And I know this all seems silly now, because we got good results today. But the thing is, I acknowledged Him immediatly. This is not something I regularly do. I realized that it had nothing to do with filtration systems, or bleach, or stupid total coliform. That this whole thing has just been one more circumstance that He has used to teach me to be simple in my thinking. To not analyze everything. To not be overly emotional. To simply say thank you.

To be still and know that He is God.

And that is what I am experiencing. I am surrendered tonight. I don't know what the next step will bring, but I know that my God will direct my future the same way He has my past. I don't know why I go through all the steps I do because I always end up in the same place.....resting and knowing that He will not leave my side.

What we've been up to

I realize that it's been a ridiculously long time since I have written, and I do apologize for that. I know that it's been hard to get through the week. I am deeply sorry.

There has been a lot of action on the Autry fronteir. In the last two weeks, I've gotten a new job, we've moved Loop De Lou offices, and Jamie has fully installed our pipes for our filtration system which is being installed tomorrow. So, we're moving right along towards parenthood as it would seem. Who new that installing pipe was a prerequisite for being a parent? We didn't learn that in health class.

Anyway, good thing I have a husband who can do anything. He wasn't happy about crawling under our house in the middle of summer (he hates spiders), but it's for a kid.....so he didn't really have a choice.

Also, today we found a dog on the side of the road and brought her home. We are such suckers for pitiful animals. I think they can smell the weakness and they seek us out. She is unbelievably adorable though. We named her Bonnie. We're hoping she sticks around. We trying to give her lots of food so she'll know just how weak we really are.

As if two dogs weren't enough. One day we hope the amount of children we have could equal the amount of canines. That way each dog gets a kid to take care of.

Great News!

Well, it might not seem like that big of a deal, but we're pretty excited about it! We found out that we DON'T have to build a shed right now!! The filtration system we picked out was way smaller than what we thought. So it can go underneath our house in the crawl space. This obviously will save us quit a bit of money!!

I just wanted to give an update, "Project Build a Shed" has been cancelled!

Filtration Schmiltration

We met with a water filtration specialist last week. He worked with us for three short hours to let us know what kind of system we needed.

He held the key to unlock all the knowledge to the wide world of water filtration (WWWF) (sort of like WWF, except without all the wrestling) (and without all the men in spandex) (but pretty much with the same amount of water).

He presented us with three types of systems. We, of course, chose the cheapest, because call me crazy, but $3500 for clean water just seems a little excessive. Our poor kid would never be able to go to college. "Sorry honey, in order to bring you home, we had to spend your college fund on water filtration."

Oh, I kid. There will never be a college fund.Mamma likes shoes too much for that.

Anyway, we also found out that in order to install said filtration system, we needed a dry place to keep it. So the rain wouldn't fry it. That would not be good in the WWWF. Especially since they like to make them with gold. Or so it seems.

So we also have to buy a shed. But since my husband can make stuff, we have chosen to build one. Project Build a Shed starts on Saturday.(sort of like Project Runway, except without all the models). Check you local listings.

It's a good thing though we're having to do this before the kid comes. Now we have a place to send him when he's bad.

Or maybe not. I feel like our social worker might frown on that.

After the shed is built and filtration system is installed, we did find out that the company we are using will test our water for us for free. So that's a nice little bonus. They say it's a 100% guarantee that it will cleanse our water of all bacteria. It's a good thing, because even if it was 99.9%, I'm pretty sure, for us, it wouldn't work. We would be that .0000001% (or whatever....I'm not good at Math).

So it looks like we are well (pun intended) on our way to bacteria free water. And adoption approval. And then maybe one day, a baby.

Only in the South

I have been thinking recently about Southern life. I have compiled a list. Because I love lists. And because sometimes it's hard to make paragraphs out of randomness.

Southern things I don't do:

1. go to the tanning bed (anymore)

2. color my hair (well, not recently anyway)

3. wear big hats

4. wear broaches

5. switch purses for seasons

6. feel the need to match

7. make white beans

8. wear big jewelry

9. say "darlin'"

10. watch Nascar

Southern things I do:

1. fry things

2. fish

3.watch college football religiously

4. cook cornbread

5. feel like food and comfort go hand in hand

6. say "bless her heart"

7. say "ya'll"

8. Use lots of butter

9. have sweet tea in my fridge at all times

10. look out my back window and see this:

This is Jamie's mom and grandma using the paddle boat in our pond. I cracked up laughing when I saw this. Two grandma's, coated in their tanning oil, paddling around the pond, trying to get some exercise. I mean, this is just something you don't see up North. I'm certain of it.

Father's Day

So yesterday was Father's Day. And I don't know why Father's Day is so hard.

Two years ago on Father's Day, we were in the midst of infertility. I had started charting (don't worry....I won't go into detail about that!), and we were almost at the 2 year point of trying to conceive. We knew that the probability of there being a problem was high.

I was several days late with my monthly friend and my hopes were high. I knew we had timed things right. I was praying earnestly that maybe it worked. It didn't. And my monthly friend came with a vengence Father's Day morning. I layed in the bed and was a blubbering mess.

I should have taken that as a sign and just stayed at home in bed. But we couldn't because our niece was getting dedicated that Sunday and we needed, and wanted to be there for that. At our church they have baby dedication once a year on Father's Day.

Lucky us.

That year they also showed a slide show of all the children in the church with Andrew Peterson's song "Family Man" playing in the background. It was sweet, but I felt like it was a cruel joke. I couldn't hold it together. And I completely lost it when I looked over and saw Jamie wiping tears from his eyes. I was chewing gum and started crying so hard that I sucked it down my throat.

Precious memories. How they linger.

Thank the Lord we are in a much different place now. Although our circumstances haven't changed, God has really changed our hearts. We are indebted to His grace. We are in awe of His faithfullness.

But yesterday was another Father's Day, and another baby dedication. And I found myself crying again. Only silently this time, not hyperventalating and sucking gum down my throat. The truth is that it does make me sad. I can envision the father Jamie will be and it hurts that it is difficult. I see it in my mind, him holding an infant and looking at that child with awe. I know the kind of daddy he will be and yesterday was a painful reminder that our path is different.

Different is ok. Different is actually good because our God ordained it to be that way. But different sometimes stings.

As I sat in church, silently praying that I wouldn't fall a part, God spoke to me that I have MUCH reason to celebrate Father's Day. He is the ultimate Father. He is there to comfort us when we are crying so hard we suck gum down our throat. He is there to hold us when all our plans fall apart and tell us that His plans are best. He is there to correct us when we think we can control things. He is there to welcome us back when we realize we can't. He is there to listen when we have too many words of frustration. He is there to soothe us when all we can do is tell Him it hurts. He is good. He holds our hands as we sit silently crying on Father's Day. And he will share in our joy as we one day hold our sweet child.

The Stuff They Don't Write About In Romance Novels

Jamie and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary yesterday. Six years ago, I became a Mrs. and moved into a double wide infested with mice and bad water.

We sure have come a long way. Minus the bad water part, we're pretty much a picture of the American dream. We live on a three acre lot with a big pond in the back, we have a nice house, two dogs, a car that breaks down a lot, we're infertile. You know, the stuff dreams are made of.

In all seriousness though, every single thing could be taken away from us and as long as we still had each other and the love of our Savior, it wouldn't matter at all.

So how did we celebrate? Well thanks for asking.

We went out on Saturday night to the movies. We chose a matinee because well, the price of going to an evening movie is $8.00. And I would rather spend $8.00 on a Starbucks drink. Or, you know, towards the electric bill. I do like air conditioning in the summer. Call me crazy.

We went to see Kung Fu Panda, you know the new animated movie. I think we were the only "couple" there. Animated panda's don't exaclty scream "Romantic Date Movie". But, it was a great movie. The best part about going to a kids movie at the matinee price is that there are in fact lots of kids there. Something funny would happen in the movie and those kids would start laughing and couldn't stop. And you know how little kids have some of the goofiest laughs. We would get so tickled just listening to all the laughing.

We decided to keep with the theme of the evening and have dinner afterwards at Asahi, a Japanese steakhouse in Jackson. It was a cozy little romantic dinner with me and Jamie and 8 other strangers. I wispered sweet nothings in Jamie's ear as the Japanese chef made fire rings and lava filled onions. It was such a great meal, but I have to say that my intestines were a little upset with me afterwards. They didn't seem to love the meal as much as I did.

Yesterday on our actual anniversary, we got up and went to church and then came home to spend a quiet evening alone. It was really great. Then we decided to bust out the board games.

Something you may not realize about me is that I am a little bit competitive. Not to the point where I almost throw the scrabble board for Jamie taking my spot where I might have played a 42 point word, no nothing like that. Or not to the point where I get so mad I could cry and then do. No, no. I'm not that bad. But, just a little bitty twinge of the "I like to wins".

We played two games. A game of speed scrabble (we made this up) and a quick little game of Trivial Pursuit. Because those questions are SO easy. I don't know who those people were trying to fool with their questions. Of course I know what world leader decided in 1987 to take a year sabbatical and travel the world over in search of the meaning of life. Who doesn't know that? Or what NHL team had to change their logo because the fans thought it was short for "habitants". I mean EVERYONE knows those things. We really even shouldn't play that game. It just puffs us up with all the knowledge.

After game fest '08, we decided to go enjoy the evening out on the dock. Jamie brought our fishing poles out. It must have been the perfect time of evening and we were using the perfect bait because we caught a ton of fish. We would just cast and catch. It was a lot of fun until I caught a fish and it threw up on me.

Nothing says romantic anniversary evening like fish throw up.

It was all over my shirt, sunglasses and face. It was awesome. Jamie said in all his years of catching fish, he had never witnessed a fish throwing up. I'm so glad he finally got to experience that. That's just the kind of wife I am. So selfless.

And to top off the romantic anniversary weekend, Jamie's dad brought home a paddle boat. So now we can get out in the pond and paddle around and catch fish. This was just my thought when I was walking down the aisle six years ago.

After we came back inside we cooked a frozen pizza, got in bed and watched a movie. Jamie fell asleep half way through it and I had to watch the last half straining to hear through all the snoring. This really is what dreams are made of.

Please feel free to call me to plan your next romantic getaway.

And Jamie, you know I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you! Happy Anniversary!

Scars

The summer before my senior year of high school, my foot got ran over by a car.

I wish that I could say it was in some daring feat to rescue an animal, or something cool like I was in a high speed car chase and I was trying to out run the cops. But the reality of it was, I was about to be a senior. Out where I'm from we spray paint very clever and ceative things on road signs like "Class of 1999" or "99 rulez" or "The Class of 99 wuz here". Because we are so original. Well, I happend to be in the back seat of a car full of mischevious girls and saw a great place for the spray paint to go. I told my friend who was driving to "stop the car!". Before it had come to a complete stop, I attempted to get out of the back seat. I, unfortunately was also wearing flip flops.

The comibination of the car still rolling, flip flops, and getting out of the car = foot being ran over.

I literally had to ask my friend to "Back up please, because my foot is stuck under your back tire."

Only after I pulled my foot back in the car did I began to scream at all the nastiness that was now the side of my foot. I was a trooper though. Didn't even go to the doctor. More out of stupidity than anything else. We were aftaid of getting caught with the spray paint. We also had to come up with an eloborate story of how the said incident happened because my friend didn't want her mom to know she had run over someone's foot. Our story involved me falling on the corner of some concrete slab. It was very believable.

I also told my parents in High School that my boyfriend and I got stuck in a field because we were looking at deer.

Lying has never really been my strong suit.

One time I got caught sneeking out of my house and told my parents I had fallen asleep in my bed with all of my clothes on (with shoes also) because I was putting together new outfits and got so tired, I just had to lay down.

If God has a sense of humor (and I'm pretty certain he does), then I can't wait to see what is in store for us as parents.

Anyway....

I have this huge scar on my left foot from all the running over and such. It took a long time for it to actually turn into a scar. It was a wide, gaping wound for months. But eventually it did.

I really don't think about it much, but every now and then a pain will shoot across it and make me remember that night. I usually laugh and think of my sweet friends from home.

I was laying awake in bed the other night and I found myself getting a little upset about our infertility. This surprised me. Because, mostly I don't ever think about it anymore. Sure, I think about the fact that it's quit possible I'll never be pregnant, but now, when I think about those things, it's not with a sense of sadness. It's more of fact. It really and truly does not bother me that I don't have to go through birth and delivery. A little excited about that fact if I'm honest.

But the longing to create a child with my husband is still there sometimes. It's not hovering, it's not all encompassing, I don't dwell on it anymore. But sometimes, there is a twinge of pain. Just like the scar on my foot.

The scar will always be there. But it is not something that I'm ashamed to talk about or that I want to even hide. It's apart of what makes me....well, me. It's apart of our life story. As I was thinking about this, it was such a reminder to me that wounds do heal, but they don't vanish. And that's ok.

The scar of our infertility will always be there. But it's just that now....a scar. It's not a wound, it's a reminder of where we are currently in our life and the path that has led us here. And I'm thankful for it, because it has shaped us into who we are and the people that we will become.

We Like to Stay in Touch with Nature

This past weekend, we went on a camping trip with our friends the Smiths. We had a great time. Jamie and I really love to camp. And I mean real camping. Tent, sleeping bag, no air matress, lots of bug spray, and no showers. We smelled nice.

It's so refreshing to be out in nature, so far that cell phones don't pick up service. Sometimes I long for simpler days, before technology and instant communication. I totally believe I could be a nomad. I couldn't do it by myself though, Jamie would have to capture our food.

I also got injured on our trip. But I must say that I am pretty proud of it. I like when I have scars from cool things like hiking. It would be even cooler if I could have a scar from a sword fight. But that is probably not very realistic. Who knows though right? Never say never. We could be pirates instead of nomads.

Here are some pictures:

Our tents (ours is the one back in the woods....we are SO primitive)

The Grill Masters and Jamie in mid-squat.

Jamie's so excited that he really just can't hide it.

Me with three of my favorite girls: Parker, Chloe, and Lilly

Allie and me doing what we did best....sit. Really one of my favorite pass times.

Part of my injury. I fell on a rock while trying to take a picture. Good thing I caught myself with my elbow, knuckles, and camera. They say that the elbow is the softest place to land and not boney or painful in the least. And that camera's do wonders at breaking falls. She (my camera) is ok though, only walked away with a cool scratch on the lens. We're counting our blessings.

And now a video of all the beauty, narrated by someone who sounds like she is out of the movie "Deliverance" minus the creepy banjo kid.

We had a great time and can't wait to do it again!

sometimes hope seems lost...

We've had another positive water test for bacteria. That makes three. In case I haven't been clear about this whole thing, I wanted to go into more detail about it.

At our home study (2 months ago now), we handed in all the rest of our paperwork and thought we were well (no pun intended) on our way to approval. But we found out that since we are on a well and have a sceptic tank that we needed to get our water tested. And also turn in a document of our sceptic tank installation. The document was easy. The water testing....not so much.

Our initial test, tested for four things: nitrite, nitrate, total fecal (gross, I know) coliform, and total coliform. I will spare you all the boring details about the differences between all of these things. But rest assured, that I do know them after two months of studying water.

Well, we got a positive for total coliform. Basically this means that there is some sort of bacteria in our water, but they're not sure what kind it is. It could be a natural bacteria and it could not be harmful. This is what we are thinking it is because we use/drink our water and have not been sick. But the agency is still requiring a negative test. Which we really do completely understand.

So started the decontamination efforts with the bleach that I wrote about in a previous post. We have decontaminated our well twice now. And now we can chalk up three positive tests for total coliform in our water.

And also, our car just broke down. The day we got the latest water results back. Seriously. I really couldn't make this stuff up people.

My friend has called this water issue "the infertility of adoption". I think that is a pretty accurate description. Failed test, after failed test = easily discouraged about the hope of ever starting a family.

But I know what the truth is. The truth is that God does have the child for us and if it takes bacteria in our well to slow things down to lead us to that child, then that is what it takes.

I am disappointed, I am frustrated. I also trust God completely. I don't understand why difficult things happen to us, but I also don't understand why God chooses to bless us.

He is Lord of my life and I do trust Him. Even when my feelings fail me, my water has bacteria in it, my car is broken down, and I can't seem to understand His ways. He will lift my head when I can't seem to look up. He will carry me thru the waters so I will not drown. He will walk with me thru the fire so I will not get burned.

I can rejoice because He is my redeemer and I am his. Circumstances are ever changing, but my God is constant. He is not intimitaded by my circumstances, he has ordained them so that I can fully surrender to Him and learn to rest solely, quietly in His hands. When things seem out of control to me, He is fully in control.

So sometimes, if I'm honest, hope does seem lost. But the truth is, my only true hope is in Christ alone.

It's In the Little Things That Battles Are Lost and Won

The more and more I am trying to figure this Christian life out, the more and more God keeps showing me that it is the small things that matter most.

Which is easier, to stop and help someone in need or to hold my tongue when I have been bothered by something?

I think all of us have a natural bent towards generosity (especially if we are Christians). It is not very difficult to make someone a meal when they are sick or even to go on a foreign mission trip to help orphans in an orphanage. Who wouldn't want to go and hold babies? (Ok, so maybe that could be hard for some people.) What I'm saying is that sometimes I think we romanticize this view of service. While I am not discounting the actual act, we are called to do these things, I am questioning our hearts motive.

I think our hearts are deceiving. Well, I only think that because scripture says so. Anyway...God has really been showing me that it is in the small decisions of life that truly test a persons heart.

So what kind of heart does God desire? One that is pure in all situations.

For me, it is easy to sit and enourage someone who is having a tough time. It is much more difficult to hold my tongue when someone stops in front of me on the ramp getting onto the interstate. It is easy for me to bake cookies for someone who is celebrating a birthday. It is difficult to not try to prove my point when someone has wronged me. And I can even say for myself it is much easier for me to go on mission trips and serve than it is to show patience to my husband sometimes.

To me, it all goes back to our hearts condition. It is in the little things of life where I believe the battles are lost and won. I know God desires a humble spirit and a contrite heart. It doesn't matter if I am feeding the homeless or scrubbing the floors that my dog has gotten dirty for the 15th time this week.