Scars

The summer before my senior year of high school, my foot got ran over by a car.

I wish that I could say it was in some daring feat to rescue an animal, or something cool like I was in a high speed car chase and I was trying to out run the cops. But the reality of it was, I was about to be a senior. Out where I'm from we spray paint very clever and ceative things on road signs like "Class of 1999" or "99 rulez" or "The Class of 99 wuz here". Because we are so original. Well, I happend to be in the back seat of a car full of mischevious girls and saw a great place for the spray paint to go. I told my friend who was driving to "stop the car!". Before it had come to a complete stop, I attempted to get out of the back seat. I, unfortunately was also wearing flip flops.

The comibination of the car still rolling, flip flops, and getting out of the car = foot being ran over.

I literally had to ask my friend to "Back up please, because my foot is stuck under your back tire."

Only after I pulled my foot back in the car did I began to scream at all the nastiness that was now the side of my foot. I was a trooper though. Didn't even go to the doctor. More out of stupidity than anything else. We were aftaid of getting caught with the spray paint. We also had to come up with an eloborate story of how the said incident happened because my friend didn't want her mom to know she had run over someone's foot. Our story involved me falling on the corner of some concrete slab. It was very believable.

I also told my parents in High School that my boyfriend and I got stuck in a field because we were looking at deer.

Lying has never really been my strong suit.

One time I got caught sneeking out of my house and told my parents I had fallen asleep in my bed with all of my clothes on (with shoes also) because I was putting together new outfits and got so tired, I just had to lay down.

If God has a sense of humor (and I'm pretty certain he does), then I can't wait to see what is in store for us as parents.

Anyway....

I have this huge scar on my left foot from all the running over and such. It took a long time for it to actually turn into a scar. It was a wide, gaping wound for months. But eventually it did.

I really don't think about it much, but every now and then a pain will shoot across it and make me remember that night. I usually laugh and think of my sweet friends from home.

I was laying awake in bed the other night and I found myself getting a little upset about our infertility. This surprised me. Because, mostly I don't ever think about it anymore. Sure, I think about the fact that it's quit possible I'll never be pregnant, but now, when I think about those things, it's not with a sense of sadness. It's more of fact. It really and truly does not bother me that I don't have to go through birth and delivery. A little excited about that fact if I'm honest.

But the longing to create a child with my husband is still there sometimes. It's not hovering, it's not all encompassing, I don't dwell on it anymore. But sometimes, there is a twinge of pain. Just like the scar on my foot.

The scar will always be there. But it is not something that I'm ashamed to talk about or that I want to even hide. It's apart of what makes me....well, me. It's apart of our life story. As I was thinking about this, it was such a reminder to me that wounds do heal, but they don't vanish. And that's ok.

The scar of our infertility will always be there. But it's just that now....a scar. It's not a wound, it's a reminder of where we are currently in our life and the path that has led us here. And I'm thankful for it, because it has shaped us into who we are and the people that we will become.

We Like to Stay in Touch with Nature

This past weekend, we went on a camping trip with our friends the Smiths. We had a great time. Jamie and I really love to camp. And I mean real camping. Tent, sleeping bag, no air matress, lots of bug spray, and no showers. We smelled nice.

It's so refreshing to be out in nature, so far that cell phones don't pick up service. Sometimes I long for simpler days, before technology and instant communication. I totally believe I could be a nomad. I couldn't do it by myself though, Jamie would have to capture our food.

I also got injured on our trip. But I must say that I am pretty proud of it. I like when I have scars from cool things like hiking. It would be even cooler if I could have a scar from a sword fight. But that is probably not very realistic. Who knows though right? Never say never. We could be pirates instead of nomads.

Here are some pictures:

Our tents (ours is the one back in the woods....we are SO primitive)

The Grill Masters and Jamie in mid-squat.

Jamie's so excited that he really just can't hide it.

Me with three of my favorite girls: Parker, Chloe, and Lilly

Allie and me doing what we did best....sit. Really one of my favorite pass times.

Part of my injury. I fell on a rock while trying to take a picture. Good thing I caught myself with my elbow, knuckles, and camera. They say that the elbow is the softest place to land and not boney or painful in the least. And that camera's do wonders at breaking falls. She (my camera) is ok though, only walked away with a cool scratch on the lens. We're counting our blessings.

And now a video of all the beauty, narrated by someone who sounds like she is out of the movie "Deliverance" minus the creepy banjo kid.

We had a great time and can't wait to do it again!

sometimes hope seems lost...

We've had another positive water test for bacteria. That makes three. In case I haven't been clear about this whole thing, I wanted to go into more detail about it.

At our home study (2 months ago now), we handed in all the rest of our paperwork and thought we were well (no pun intended) on our way to approval. But we found out that since we are on a well and have a sceptic tank that we needed to get our water tested. And also turn in a document of our sceptic tank installation. The document was easy. The water testing....not so much.

Our initial test, tested for four things: nitrite, nitrate, total fecal (gross, I know) coliform, and total coliform. I will spare you all the boring details about the differences between all of these things. But rest assured, that I do know them after two months of studying water.

Well, we got a positive for total coliform. Basically this means that there is some sort of bacteria in our water, but they're not sure what kind it is. It could be a natural bacteria and it could not be harmful. This is what we are thinking it is because we use/drink our water and have not been sick. But the agency is still requiring a negative test. Which we really do completely understand.

So started the decontamination efforts with the bleach that I wrote about in a previous post. We have decontaminated our well twice now. And now we can chalk up three positive tests for total coliform in our water.

And also, our car just broke down. The day we got the latest water results back. Seriously. I really couldn't make this stuff up people.

My friend has called this water issue "the infertility of adoption". I think that is a pretty accurate description. Failed test, after failed test = easily discouraged about the hope of ever starting a family.

But I know what the truth is. The truth is that God does have the child for us and if it takes bacteria in our well to slow things down to lead us to that child, then that is what it takes.

I am disappointed, I am frustrated. I also trust God completely. I don't understand why difficult things happen to us, but I also don't understand why God chooses to bless us.

He is Lord of my life and I do trust Him. Even when my feelings fail me, my water has bacteria in it, my car is broken down, and I can't seem to understand His ways. He will lift my head when I can't seem to look up. He will carry me thru the waters so I will not drown. He will walk with me thru the fire so I will not get burned.

I can rejoice because He is my redeemer and I am his. Circumstances are ever changing, but my God is constant. He is not intimitaded by my circumstances, he has ordained them so that I can fully surrender to Him and learn to rest solely, quietly in His hands. When things seem out of control to me, He is fully in control.

So sometimes, if I'm honest, hope does seem lost. But the truth is, my only true hope is in Christ alone.

It's In the Little Things That Battles Are Lost and Won

The more and more I am trying to figure this Christian life out, the more and more God keeps showing me that it is the small things that matter most.

Which is easier, to stop and help someone in need or to hold my tongue when I have been bothered by something?

I think all of us have a natural bent towards generosity (especially if we are Christians). It is not very difficult to make someone a meal when they are sick or even to go on a foreign mission trip to help orphans in an orphanage. Who wouldn't want to go and hold babies? (Ok, so maybe that could be hard for some people.) What I'm saying is that sometimes I think we romanticize this view of service. While I am not discounting the actual act, we are called to do these things, I am questioning our hearts motive.

I think our hearts are deceiving. Well, I only think that because scripture says so. Anyway...God has really been showing me that it is in the small decisions of life that truly test a persons heart.

So what kind of heart does God desire? One that is pure in all situations.

For me, it is easy to sit and enourage someone who is having a tough time. It is much more difficult to hold my tongue when someone stops in front of me on the ramp getting onto the interstate. It is easy for me to bake cookies for someone who is celebrating a birthday. It is difficult to not try to prove my point when someone has wronged me. And I can even say for myself it is much easier for me to go on mission trips and serve than it is to show patience to my husband sometimes.

To me, it all goes back to our hearts condition. It is in the little things of life where I believe the battles are lost and won. I know God desires a humble spirit and a contrite heart. It doesn't matter if I am feeding the homeless or scrubbing the floors that my dog has gotten dirty for the 15th time this week.

A Very Special Day

Dear Jamie-

Tomorrow is your birthday. 32 years ago you were brought into this world. I didn't know it at the time, but that was a wonderful day. The day God ordained for my future husband to be born! I always find myself so thankful on this day. Thankful that you were born, thankful that you were raised the way you were, and thankful that God thought I deserved to be your wife.

This is the 9th birthday I have celebrated with you. I can't believe it's been that many! I really can't wait to share 60 more! (that would make you 92...you gotta stay around at least that long)

Happy Birthday sweet man of mine. I love you more with each passing year and I never even knew that was possible...

With all my love-

Marcie

Who wouldn't love to live with this?